Movie:
"Bloodrayne" (2005); Uwe Boll, director; Guinevere Turner, writer, sort of; based on a video game that I can only assume must be more entertaining
Genre:
The one where you stab a monk in the face with a sword
Starring:
Kristanna Loken; a slumming Ben Kingsley; a constantly-slumming Michael Madsen; Meat Loaf Aday
Nodded off/Nyquil kicked in around:
About 3/4 of the way through, maybe more, maybe less? It's all kind of a red haze.
Observation/Life lesson:
Many people fear the name Uwe Boll, and they would be right to do so. He has bested critics in the boxing ring and has acquired a vast fortune tormenting paying audiences with films based on video games. I'm assuming he's amassed a vast fortune–for all I know he's blown all his dough on the ponies and is living under an overpass in Newark. But I like to think he sits upon a throne made of skulls, sipping on the blood of virgins out of a chalice also made from a skull, while talking to his agent–a skull–on a cell phone made of little skulls.
I'll give Boll this: His vampires aren't the kind you dip in glitter and who attend high school in rural Washington State. Boll works from the "Blade" school of thought when it comes to the undead–the more blood, the better. None of this makes "Bloodrayne" – the story of a "dhampir," the offspring of a human mother and vampire father, on her quest for ooey, gooey vengeance – a decent film.
"Bloodrayne" is rife with continuity errors and historical inaccuracies, which would be forgivable if the film had decent acting, a decent script, or decent special effects. I'd even settle for a decent wardrobe, except our heroine looks as if she shops exclusively at Olympia Sports. What "Bloodrayne" does have is blood–lots of it–as well as many ridiculous scenes of people getting stabbed all nasty-like. (I probably should mention the soft-core scene with Rayne and, well, some guy, which the AV Club coined brilliantly as "a hilariously gratuitous bit of acrobatic dungeon sex.")
"Bloodrayne" should count as a good time if you're a decent person with good taste. But in this case, "decent person with good taste" applies strictly to Boll himself, and maybe to juggalos.
Tweetcast Transcript:
- Although directed in a completely different style, I daresay this is the craziest f*cking thing since H R Puff n Stuff
