Aftermath: "Carny"

Movie:

"Carny" (2009) (TV); Sheldon Wilson, director with utmost contempt for viewing audience; Douglas G. Davis, writer who sneezed on keyboard while Microsoft Word was open and called it a script.

Genre:

So bad it's bad

Staring:

The Inevitable Lou "Diamond" Phillips; Alan C. "Lucky" Peterson; Vlasta "Vad-Ass" Vrana

Nodded Off/Nyquil Kicked In Around:

Not soon enough.

Observation/Life Lesson:

The Jersey Devil is real, but is only heard and seen mostly in shadow, as it is so ashamed of its poor rendering and rubberized appearance. "J.D.," as all his hipster friends call him, escapes early in the film from a carnival and apparently terrorizes the locals. Or maybe he just hangs out at Denny's. The first half of "Carny" isn't clear as to what, exactly, is causing the dismemberment of the local pasty-face teen set.

"Carny" also has a conspicuous lack of carnies, instead choosing to populate its carnival atmosphere with tattoo artists, people with giganticism, and Quatto from "Total Recall" fame. It's as if the producers wanted to do "Freaks" but with a sci-fi twist, and failed miserably.

It's obvious director Sheldon Wilson has nothing but bald-faced contemptible hatred for an audience he probably visualizes as a group of rural, low-life stoner hicks, which is a horrible ascertation, considering that some of us live in cities.

Writer Douglas G. Davis is a credit to all writers who envision, yet can't quite execute, having someone lose an eyeball to a monster who is not actually seen. Very impressive, considering he is listed on IMDB as a writer for Blues Clues

Lou Diamond Phillips seems to have resigned himself to the role of Sheriff of a Small Town Threatened By Crappy CGI Monster in films that inevitably wind up on SyFy, USA, or Chill. He already landed a role on Stargate Universe, so you'd think whatever penance he's doing would have been paid by now. The ghost of Richie Valens is probably very disappointed.

"Carny" Twittercast Transcript:

• A carny, in my understanding, is one who runs carnival rides. Ironically, "Carny," so far, has been carny-free.
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Lou Diamond Phillips is an inspiration to all those born without an upper lip.
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Chase sequence seems to have been choreographed by Benny Hill
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Quote of the night (so far): Pasty-faced teen: "Is that a foot?"
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
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• Bad news: Jersey Devil has escaped carnival, leaving "cuts, bruises and broken bones." Good news: has only passing resemblence to Snooki.
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Half of this film seems to be LDP shaking his head & sighing in mild exasperation
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Concerned that the fake-outs seem horribly obvious
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• "Carny" thus far makes the bold statement "circus freaks are weird"
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• LDP plays a small town sherif in a low-budget direct-to-DVD horror flick. Big surprise. Yup.
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Less than 5 min in & someone's already lost an eye
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• One of these characters looks like the mutant offspring of Christopher Walkin and Jon Voight
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Sad to say "Carny" only reinforces gap-toothed hick/rubber monster stereotype
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Lou Diamond Phillips ... Carny ... Carnie Wilson ... Wilson Phillips!!!!!!
• about 21 hours ago via Twitterrific
• 
  
• Tonight's BTM: Lou Diamond Phillips in "Carny"
• about 22 hours ago via Twitterrific




Aftermath: "Carny"




Pardon our appearance

Hey, gang! We've made a few minor changes to make Bed Time Movies posts conform visually to a standard template. This only meant deleting every single one of them and then re-posting. Apologies for the deluge in your Google reader. We promise this won't happen again until the next time we're really bored.

–The Management




Pardon our appearance




Aftermath: "Alien: Resurrection"

Movie:

"Alien: Resurrection" (1997); Jean-Pierre Jeunet, dir.; Joss Whedon, writer

Genre:

The kind where giant black lobsters jump out of your chest

Staring:

Sigourney Weaver; Winona Ryder; Ron Perlman; and Robert Faltisco as "Soldier Shot Through Helmet"

Nodded Off/Nyquil Kicked In Around:

After we discover Ryder is a Secret Robot, but before Weaver makes sweet, sweet love with the alien

Observation/Life Lesson:

Aliens may look cute when they're babies growing up in a lab, but as they get older, their poop gets bigger and they become more stubborn, refusing to eat Science Diet you paid extra for and killing off your entire crew. While they lack the dander that cause people to be allergic to other pets, the fact that aliens bleed a highly toxic and corrosive acid make them unsuitable for children.

When we last left Ellen Ripley (Weaver) at the end of "Alien 3," she had just dove into a pit of molten metal, incinerating herself and killing the alien growing inside her, as well as the "Alien" franchise. It seemed everybody was happy, except for people who were hoping that Alien 3 would be a good movie, which it wasn't. It sucked on toast. Obviously we needed to clone Ripley and have a fourth movie.

Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet introduces the special extended edition of "Alien: Resurrection." At least that's what I think he's doing. He might be giving instructions on how to make a dirty bomb or announcing that Wolfgang Puck is going to make a delicious soufflé, his accent is so thick. But lo! Who cometh to write the script? Tis Joss Whedon, gentle naive who bequeathed us with "Firefly" and "Dr. Horrible's Sing-ALong Blog"! Maybe this wouldn't be a total waste.

Which it wasn't. There are some entertaining parts of "Alien Resurrection." Weaver's a little creepier than usual, and she pushes Ryder around some, which is neat to watch. Plus, you can see the origins of Wheadon's "Firefly" characters in the crew of smugglers who deliver human hosts for the aliens, only to get picked off one by one in predictable fashion. They're a little like the crew of the good ship Serenity, only lacking basic human understanding and a sense of humor.

While it's not horrible, "Alien: Resurrection" isn't a particularly good movie–Jeunet's obsession with the characters mugging into a wide-angle lens killed any hope of this winning a Golden Globe or even a Cable Ace Award. But it's far better than the next film in the franchise, 2004's "Alien Vs. Predator," which is a lot like saying a 1987 Chevrolet Celebrity is better than a 1978 Ford Pinto.

So maybe that's not the best compliment.




Aftermath: "Alien: Resurrection"




Dracapalooza!

We are a nation facing high unemployment, a lumberingly slow economic recovery, wars on two fronts and the constant threat of terrorism. So let's talk serious about the number one challenge facing America: Vampires.

Vampires have been a part of folklore for centuries, but it took Dracula to make the blood sucker into a character full of charm and sexuality. And that took a lot of Victorian cojones, my friend, to sex-up a creature that sleeps in a dirt-filled coffin and who comes to your room late at night to rip open your carotid artery and lap up the blood.

Since then, it seems, vampires have gotten ever classier, and I for one blame Anne Rice and the whole "Interview With A Vampire" thing for getting us to a point where the work of Stephanie Meyer is acceptable.

Because, let's face it, vampires are dicks. They stand outside your window at all hours of the night, looking pathetic, so you feel like you have to invite them in. And when they do come in, they wreak havoc, ruining your bed sheets because, hey, blood is hard to get out. Then you die. But you're not really dead. Instead you're stuck with pale complexion and have to obey this guy who insists on wearing a stupid-looking cape for all eternity.

So, fuck you, Dracula.

I recently viewed four films in about as many days that interpreted Bram Stoker's 1897 novel, and to be honest, none came close to the crappitude of "Twilight," though it's touch and go with Coppola's 1992 take.

The films

"Nosferatu" or "Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (Symphony of Horror)" (1922); F.W. Murnau, dir; Henrik Galeen, writer; Starring Max Schreck as Count Orlok, Gustav von Wangenheim as Hutter

"Dracula" (1931); Tod Browning, dir; Hamilton Deane and John L. Balderston, writers, from the play by Garrett Fort, plus several uncredited other writers; Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula.

"Dracula" or "The Horror of Dracula" (1958); Terence Fischer, dir.; Jimmy Sangster, writer; Christopher Lee as Count Dracula, Peter Cushing as Dr. Van Helsing.

"Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992); Francis Ford Coppola, dir; James V. Hart, writer; Gary Oldman as Count Dracula, Winona Ryder as Mina; Anthony Hopkins as Prof. Abraham Van Helsing; Keanu Reeves as – for some reason – Jonathan Harker.

Viewing experiences

In keeping with Bed Time Movies tradition, I watched these films right before bed. In breaking with tradition, I would finish a film the next day, before moving onto the next, if i fell asleep before finishing. Under these conditions, I found the first first, albeit unauthorized, film based on "Dracula," to be the best.

Technology evolved tremendously since the silent movie era, but it's the strangeness that comes with seeing a silent film, with all it's surreal oddities, in modern times that makes "Nosferatu" so compelling. It's an unsettling work. That Murnau and Galeen set the film in the mid-1800s and used Count Orlok – with his rat-like visage – as an analogy for bubonic plague somehow makes the menace of the vampire feel more immediate, more real.

It's Bela Lugosi's portrayal of a suave and very sexual Count Dracula, however, that will rightfully be forever associated with the character. Lugosi exudes an old-world charm that not even Connery's James Bond can top. This is one suave motherfucker, and no wonder people fall, at least at first, for his ruse.

Christopher Lee is often overshadowed when it comes to 20th Century Dracula lore, which is a shame, but blame the drac-spoliation films in which he starred following his 1958 debut as the character. Lee's Dracula is, pun intended, a towering menace. He's less a scenery chewer, more more business, which makes him a serious threat. "Horror" is a solid film, as is Lee's performance, and here's hoping that legions of Lord of the Rings fans will take a serious look at this film.

Coppola's version is the most visually striking (second only to the 19th Century Germany of "Nosferatu"), going full-bore with shadows that exist out of synch with their owners, and a Renfield who is truly loony tunes. But it falls flat in several crucial regards. If you had to cast Reeves as Harker, why the hell couldn't you change the character to be American, rather than try to make Keanu do an English accent?! Reeves is utterly terrible. The pressed fiberboard furniture in my apartment has better acting chops.

The problem is Drac-o himself. He spends almost all of the film as a huge dick, kidnapping people, killing the crew of the ship transporting his wrinkly ass to England, and turning himself into a wolf-man just to bump nasties with Lucy the Village Slut. He expends countless hours putting the moves on Keanu's wife (an almost equally miscast Ryder) and then, just as she's on the cusp of becoming the next Elvira, he tells her, "Oh, no, baby. I love you too much to turn you into some hideous bat-child!" Whatever. That's him trying to clear his conscious before committing an act of adultery that could last hundreds if not thousands of years – which he does, by the way. Know what, Dracula? If I were Van Helsing, I'd pound a stake right up your immortal ass, you shit-fuck.

Other than that, "Bram Stoker's Dracula" is a fine piece of filmmaking.




Dracapalooza!




Aftermath: "Battlefield Earth"

Movie:

"Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000" (2000); Roger Christian, dir.

Genre:

Science Fictionish

Staring:

A Creepier-Than-Usual John Travolta; Forrest Whitaker Who Should Have Known Better; and Barry Pepper as Jonnie Goodboy Tyler

Nodded Off/Nyquil Kicked In Around:

53 minutes, 52 seconds

Observation/Life Lesson:

It is as bad as you've heard. As a matter of fact, I'd say it's worse. Granted, I made it slightly less than half-way through, but that was long enough, thank you very much.

Battlefield Earth did not age particularly well. For all the money and star-power allegedly pumped into it, the film looks as though it was a made-for-cable thing – reminiscent of such Roger Corman-esque flicks like "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" or "Rodentz."

John Travolta as the film's lead Psychlo – a race of Reggae-loving super aliens – is perhaps the films' biggest disappointment. He proved resilient in "Pulp Fiction." And he chewed the holy living hell out of any scenery in reach in "Broken Arrow," a film that was delightfully bad in its own right. So why did he seem to choke on his own dreadlocks in "Battlefield Earth"? Why did his acting seem less Hollywood and more reminiscent of your local Catholic Church's annual passion play? Was it the horrible dialogue, which one can only assume came from an even worse script?

Well, yeah, probably.

I know the Church of Scientology makes a lot of people nervous. But if this sort of film (based on a novel by the church's founder L. Ron "Ronco" Hubbard) is all that it takes to keep them entertained, then I think we can all relax.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to be audited.

Click to read the Bed Time Movies Tweetcast of "Battlefield Earth"




Aftermath: "Battlefield Earth"




Aftermath: "A Christmas Carol"

Movie:

"A Christmas Carol" (1984, TV); Clive Donner, dir; Roger O. Hirson, screenplay, based on the story by Charles Dickens.

Genre:

Traditional Christmas.

Starring:

George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge.

Nodded off/Nyquil kicked in around:

Upon the exit of the Ghost of Christmas Past, before the Ghost of Christmas Present reveals the horrors under his robe – take that in anyway you wish.

Observation/Life Lesson:

The joy of this movie is not only that Scrooge is able to redeem himself, nor is it limited to the genuine creeps I still get whenever the Ghost of Jacob Marley becomes agitated. Moreover, this film shows us that those we should have loved accept our redemption, and love us in return.




Aftermath: "A Christmas Carol"




Tonight's Bed Time Movie: "A Christmas Carol" (1984)

Usually my choice of film for Bed Time Movie viewing is intentionally horrible. But, in keeping with the season, tonight I'm going to watch the 1984 made for TV adaptation of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." I have very fond memories of watching this version as a child with my family. Today, we still agree that it's our favorite version of the Dickens' classic. This, despite the fact that the scenes featuring Marley's Ghost and the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come scared the bejesus out of me.

Happy Christmas to all, and to the late, great George C. Scott: No one did it better.




Tonight's Bed Time Movie: "A Christmas Carol" (1984)