Movie:
"Alien: Resurrection" (1997); Jean-Pierre Jeunet, dir.; Joss Whedon, writer
Genre:
The kind where giant black lobsters jump out of your chest
Staring:
Sigourney Weaver; Winona Ryder; Ron Perlman; and Robert Faltisco as "Soldier Shot Through Helmet"
Nodded Off/Nyquil Kicked In Around:
After we discover Ryder is a Secret Robot, but before Weaver makes sweet, sweet love with the alien
Observation/Life Lesson:
Aliens may look cute when they're babies growing up in a lab, but as they get older, their poop gets bigger and they become more stubborn, refusing to eat Science Diet you paid extra for and killing off your entire crew. While they lack the dander that cause people to be allergic to other pets, the fact that aliens bleed a highly toxic and corrosive acid make them unsuitable for children.
When we last left Ellen Ripley (Weaver) at the end of "Alien 3," she had just dove into a pit of molten metal, incinerating herself and killing the alien growing inside her, as well as the "Alien" franchise. It seemed everybody was happy, except for people who were hoping that Alien 3 would be a good movie, which it wasn't. It sucked on toast. Obviously we needed to clone Ripley and have a fourth movie.
Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet introduces the special extended edition of "Alien: Resurrection." At least that's what I think he's doing. He might be giving instructions on how to make a dirty bomb or announcing that Wolfgang Puck is going to make a delicious soufflé, his accent is so thick. But lo! Who cometh to write the script? Tis Joss Whedon, gentle naive who bequeathed us with "Firefly" and "Dr. Horrible's Sing-ALong Blog"! Maybe this wouldn't be a total waste.
Which it wasn't. There are some entertaining parts of "Alien Resurrection." Weaver's a little creepier than usual, and she pushes Ryder around some, which is neat to watch. Plus, you can see the origins of Wheadon's "Firefly" characters in the crew of smugglers who deliver human hosts for the aliens, only to get picked off one by one in predictable fashion. They're a little like the crew of the good ship Serenity, only lacking basic human understanding and a sense of humor.
While it's not horrible, "Alien: Resurrection" isn't a particularly good movie–Jeunet's obsession with the characters mugging into a wide-angle lens killed any hope of this winning a Golden Globe or even a Cable Ace Award. But it's far better than the next film in the franchise, 2004's "Alien Vs. Predator," which is a lot like saying a 1987 Chevrolet Celebrity is better than a 1978 Ford Pinto.
So maybe that's not the best compliment.
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